An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”
And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”
You Might Also Like
Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your motherDog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
dude it’s called proctologist
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
Me: We are a team.
Husband: Yes.
Me: We are in this together.
Husband: OK.
Me: It’s you and me.
Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?
Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.
Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?