an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.
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If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?
Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.
Kylo:
Leia:
Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
Banana is the quietest snack
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶