Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.
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Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
giddy up Office Depot
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?
Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon
Him: you mean secret ingredient?
*catapult launching sound*
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣