“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
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being a writer on Twitter:
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”-Poetic Justice
I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters
Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:
drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?
my advisor: um..yes?
drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?
my advisor: …yes
*wild cheering over phone from bar*
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the runMe on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.