*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
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I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.
I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
“I’m afraid you need to keep shoes on in the library.”
“Or else?”
“You’ll be asked to leave.”
“I don’t care.”
“Also I will summon the power to disappear the sun from the sky for several minutes.”
“Fine, I’ll put ’em on.”
“Thanks. …I uh, I may do the sun thing anyway, just FYI.”
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI