Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
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me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing
[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.
please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.