The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
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Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
For those that worship cheese..
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
That’s enough internet for the day
HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.