The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
You Might Also Like
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.
Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.
Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body
Disciples: ooh
Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood
Disciples: ahh
Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me
[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.