Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
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I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*
i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”
The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.
4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?
My wife: He cried the most.
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions
Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!
He died doing what he loved: being alive