WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
You Might Also Like
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
Not all heroes wear capes…
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
sensitive skin
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.