Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
You Might Also Like
[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
[day 7 of quarantine]
zzz
<⌒/ヽ-、__
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄∧_∧ oh no
( ・ω・) im late for work
_| ⊃/(___
/ └-(____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄<⌒/ヽ-、__ lol
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
My plans: 2020:
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.
They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.