@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
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How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
Siri: Retweet me.
5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
CSI: North Pole
Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.
Chief: Did you find hoof prints?
Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.
Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.