Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
You Might Also Like
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
Love this guy
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you