My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.
Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.
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*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.
♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
Florida man
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…
Me: Sold!
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
Legend 🤣🤣
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating
Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow