the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
You Might Also Like
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
😆this is so true
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
Check in desk: We’ve oversold the flight so I’m going to put you in business class.
Me: Great.
*later*
Professor: The first rule of business is- you’re late. Please sit down.
Me: I think there has been a mistake.
Professor: I said sit down.
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
[wife walking in the door after work]
WIFE: I had just had the worst… why are our kids in the dog cage?
ME: a hello would be nice.
WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
Jogging has never helped my memory.
Pat is about to own someone
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc