[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
You Might Also Like
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
Meow
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.