BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
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When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*
Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”
Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”
Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”
Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”
[halloween]
ME: nice costume. casanova?
HIM: guy fawkes
ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]
*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single