“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
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Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!
Doctor: How big were its horns?
T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*
Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.
brian had himself a morning…
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park
Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.
Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?
Pastor: no
Me: rain down frogs?
Pastor: what the?
Me: plague them with locusts?
Pastor: NO
Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
Wife- Don’t forget the trash.
Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.
Wife- What did you ju…
Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.
14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-
boss: *leans in and whispers*
me: essential. they say i’m essential.
My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.