Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
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Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol
PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
Dune (2021)
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
DATE: I love playful women
ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
Thinking about having kids?
Buy a plant.
If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting
-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop
Here’s a fun number: 8
After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
This is I, Robot all over again
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend