Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.
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If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
Dear millionaires,
If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water