My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
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I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
Cheer up.
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
[while house is on fire]
Firefighter: wake up ma’am, your house is on fire.
Me: can’t you see I’m sleeping?
F: but the house is on fire.
Me: 9 out of 10 people wish to die while sleeping, and we’re most likely to die at 11 am *looks at clock* You just ruined a perfect death.
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck