back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
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If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”
When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again
One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
Robber: give me your money
Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke
Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20
Me: thanks dude
Robber: no problem. Now give me your money
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?