Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
You Might Also Like
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.