Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
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Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Wife: When?
Me: Between 2 and 5
Wife: Ok
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
News: There are aliens in Miami
Internet: meh
News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?
Internet: *yawns*
News: Jews in a tunnel?
Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc