I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
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Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.
do what now??
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”-Poetic Justice
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)
Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’