Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
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Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
She was rare, like a goth jogging
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
me: I quit my job as a waiter
wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?
me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew