Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?
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13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
[diner]
ME: I’ll have the eggs, please
WAITER: how would you like those?
ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.
[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]
Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”
Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
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What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!