How do German people not choke to death when they talk
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Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
HR: Well?
Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot
HR:
Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye
HR:
Me: can I have my bra back?
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
me: how can I impress my date
friend: take her to your favorite food place
me: ok
[later]
her: that’s was really nicemy mom: you’re welcome
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
This hospital has everything
i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“genius”
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*