Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
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her: I’m bored
me: let me take you out and show you a good time
her: ok
[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having funher: I see
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
Me irl
I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”