My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
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the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband
Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?
Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis
Priest: that’s not really-
Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”
Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.
My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better