Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
You Might Also Like
[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”
[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…
A bad parent with an ice cold beer.
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it
[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity
78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*