*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*
You Might Also Like
If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.
By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.
I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won’t fit in the toaster
Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
this FaceApp is creepy af
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.
Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions
Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication
been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou
I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesn’t care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.