Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )
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A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
scares
WIFE: Let’s role-play
ME: OK
W: U be a teacher
*I get up & leave*
W: Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I’ve got to do?