[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
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I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…
KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines
🎶🎶🎵🎵
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:
Music: Jimi Hendrix
Science: Albert Einstein
Business: Michael Scott
Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.