“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
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SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!
I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later
[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
Penguins walking in 5x speed
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahahaColonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?
Me: Yeah why?
Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now
$3 #books