*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
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Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
Me: I hate drama.
Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]
My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
#Caturday
Thick as shit.
My chiropractor is a crack addict.