The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
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[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch
I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.*changes phone default notification sound*
Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
Strange things: the prequel
Stranger things
2 Stranger 2 Things
Strangest Threengs
Strangfour th4ngs
5tranger Thing5
Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
Phones down.
ME: I want a normal night of sleep
MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.
First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.