Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
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*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*
Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
[first 2 hours of meeting]
Coworker:
[last 2 minutes of meeting]
Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.
I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*
[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.
[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things
I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*