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People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
[crime scene]
BATMAN: Who the hell are you?
MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?
BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.
MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.
[BATBAT arrives]
BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.
Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together
*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!