some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”
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This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him
I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busyFriend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
You know…for fall…
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips