I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
You Might Also Like
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
Husband: Let’s role play.
Me: Okay.
H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.
Me: I quit.
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
Getting married soon just need a spouse
Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you