Me: “I need big girl clothes.”
Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”
Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”
Him: “Does the couch pull out?”
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You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
i hope this email finds you fast and furious
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer