CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.
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Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
an octopus is just a wet spider
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.