If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
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wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
The most important meal of the day is the next one
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
I’m too immature for adultery.
Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless
Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go
Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit
I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*