I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?
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The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.