Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
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[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.