I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
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Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
work smarter, not harder
*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?
Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*