My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.
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I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
KITTEN: *flailing wildly*
MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off
KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*
MAMA CAT: excellent
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn
Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
When young and in college, still living at home, I invited my little sister into the room to chat while I wrapped presents. She might have lasted 2 minutes before uttering a disgusted “Give me that!” and taking over. So one year in 60 my presents have looked good.