A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
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Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.
12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car
I resolve to stop wasting time on Twitter in 2̵0̵1̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵3̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵4̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵5̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵6̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵7̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵8̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵9̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵3̵ 2024
Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS