(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
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My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
How all things should be taught/explained.
My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.
15: Ok
Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.
15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
U talkin 2 me?
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.